Thursday, September 27, 2018

Tales from a Two Party Dystopia

*Profanity warning: this one is particularly colorful in language. Avert sensitive eyes.*

Listen my children and I’ll tell you a tale of absolute fuckery and all sorts of fail.

THE SCENE: a bitter battle over the appointment of a Supreme Court nominee in the United States of Americs. Brett Kavanaugh is a “Republican” with all the bullshit that entails. (Don’t get cocky, Democrats. You have your own massive piles of crap to deal with.) 

Lauded by the prez as pretty much the greatest guy ever, Kavanaugh’s road to the bench has been rather rocky.

Wait a second, say the two people who actually remember civics class … why does it matter that he’s a Republican? 

Well, my dears, because for some stupid fucking reason, people have forgotten all about the checks and balances that are supposed to keep political agendas OUT of the highest court in the land. 

“Republican” judges and “Democrat” judges ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A THING.

And yet, here we are.

Kavanaugh stands accused of some fucked-up shit from his time at notorious party school Georgetown Prep. And, because literally everything goes back to MFing political parties these days, some “Republicans” are bashing his accusers and making up all kinds of really reallllllllly bad excuses to ram Kavanaugh through to confirmation no matter what.

You see, there's an election coming up, and the window for another slam dunk bred-to-be-red judge on the bench is closing fast.

On the flip side, Democrats are calling for Kavanaugh to be burned at the stake, whether the facts back up the accusations or not.

... also because there's an election coming up, and their window to stave off a Republican majority on the Supreme Court bench (AGAIN, NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A THING) is closing fast.

(Side note: it's supremely difficult to determine how many assault allegations are false, in part due to massive underreporting, but generally it's accepted to be between two and eight percent. Source:

The majority of our nation, like the responsible little brainwashed idiots they are, have aligned themselves with their chosen political party and are lobbing memes, insults, “alternative facts” and other miscellaneous crap at each other like there’s no tomorrow.

*ducks as middle finger emojis fly across screen*

And then, AND THEN, we have the usual assortment of talking heads spoon-feeding diarrhetic pseudo-news into the minds of their moronic followers, which they in turn vomit all over social media, share, reshare and share some more. 

Thus, the cycle continues.

No one in their right mind wants a sexual predator sitting in the Supreme Court. OBVIOUSLY. 


And yet, as our forefathers foretold (FORE!) - not even kidding, look up George Washington's farewell address - the good ole' two party system has swooped in to once again cause mass fuckery. 

The founding fathers put it more poetically, but you get the idea.

*IF* this guy is a douche canoe to the nth degree, we should proooooobably know about it *before* giving him one of the most powerful roles in government. And yet, we have nothing more than a he said, she said situation (remember now, time is of the essence.)

If he’s not? Then he’s not. 

This is, of course, entirely too centrist and does not generate mass consternation or play into the partisan stranglehold on our nation, so out the window it goes.

And America fractures further down the dividing line of party politics on the way to its own ugly demise.

The End

... wait, you want to do something about it, you say?

1) If you blindly align with a specific political party, GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE. Now make a decision to make your own decisions, dammit. Don't be a pawn in this horribly corrupt mess of a political system.

2) Check your mother-fucking facts. It's called a search engine and my seven year old is a pro at it, so you can be, too. If you post blatantly slanted or false information, you are part of the problem. (And if the information you post is found to be incorrect after further research, OWN TF UP.)

3) "Train up your children in the way they should go." Teach your little humans to respect each other and themselves regardless of gender, race, etc. Love your neighbor >>> it's called the "golden rule" for a reason.

4) Take the time to research and understand the massive problem of sexual assault outside the scope of party politics. It does exist, it is a problem, and the havoc it wreaks on a person's life should not be disregarded, ever.

5) Cupholders ... "because we're gonna die. So, drinks!"


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Monday, February 5, 2018


You guys watch the Grammys?

Me neither. (Seriously, though, ask me for a detailed breakdown of the plot of the latest Paw Patrol. I will DELIVER.)

I heard about it, though, for two reasons.

The first was Kesha's performance.

I've never been a Kesha fan. For one, we were so soooooooo not allowed to listen to anything remotely resembling her music during our psycho-Christian days (have I written about this? I should write about this.) I'm pretty sure we would have been handed a "GO DIRECTLY TO HELL. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200" card.

Whatever, at least we were hardcore about SOMETHING.

Secondly, I'm not a huge rap fan. Dr. Seuss is about as rap as I get.

But this song, man. It's been on repeat at my house.

It's written in that perfect key that makes you tear up and the lyrics are fanTASTic.

So that's the first thing Grammy-wise.

The second thing? How the stars were dressed, of course.

But it wasn't the usual best/worst dressed lists, oh no. Those I can handle. If I was getting paid six or eight figures a year, I'd wear literally WHATEVER I wanted. Fuck those guys and their lists.


According to sizzling social media reports (because, don't you know, our opinions are now #FACT since we can post them on the interwebz), the stars were dressed "trashy" and "R-rated" and looked like "porn stars."

And because of that, some argued, they were minimizing the "womens rights" and "equality" movements (snippy quotations marks theirs, y'all.)

Now, at first glance, these comments didn't really bother me all that much (thanksabunch, strict Christian upbringing.)

And then I thought about it. I thought about the hypocrisy of an assault survivor being brave enough to tell her story while the women around her, supporting her, are being criticized for wearing clothing that "asks for it."

I'm only going to say this once.

No matter what you wear (or don't wear) or do (or don't do), you do not deserve to be abused or assaulted.

It's pretty fucking simple. And yet, somehow, a shit ton of us are still going on about how women are "asking for it" because they're wearing something revealing ... or not watching their drink at a party ... or trusting some asshole who will take advantage of them ... or walking down the goddamn street.

This. is. not. right.


So ... what can I do about it? I always come back to this question when I see something in society that makes me want to throat punch ALL OF SOCIETY.

First, and most importantly, I can support survivors.

Second, I can not be an asshole on social media about the lady wearing snow fence and only snow fence as a dress. To each their own, DAMMIT.

Third, you can bet your boat I'm teaching my boys to respect women, and not just the ones wearing "appropriate clothing."

And fourth, you can bet your other boat I'm teaching my daughter that she is not a possession or a plaything for any man, ever.

To all the beautiful, amazing women out there who've lived through the story this song tells, I want to remind you that whatever happened to you is not and never will be your fault.

Keep being amazing. I love you.

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Monday, January 22, 2018

It goes so fast.

When you're a new parent, everyone and their parrot will tell you one thing.
"Enjoy it. It goes so fast."
When I was stuck in the nitty gritty of parenting three kids under three, and then four kids four and under, I always felt one of two things upon hearing this:


OH MY GOD, I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS! I don't know WHY I should be enjoying cleaning poop finger paint off the walls, BUT I'M NOT!
2) RAGE.


SO. MUCH. RAGE. I fantasized about punching SO many people. Nice people, terrible people, people I knew and complete strangers. I'm sure the whacked out hormones were part of this, your mileage may vary.
CONCLUSION: My anxiety about screwing up the most important job I've ever had makes me SUPER sensitive.

The thing is, it really, really does go fast, and those of us looking at it from the other side can't help but get all nostalgic and teary and then it just sort of burbles out all over the place at every opportunity. Sorry.
I don't think this gives us an excuse to freak out exhausted parents everywhere, though.
There are beautiful, wonderful, AMAZING highs to parenting and there are TERRIBLE, AWFUL, PROBABLY DISGUSTING lows, too.
It's all part of the package. Parenting comes with the longest Terms of Service you'll ever agree to (without reading first, of course. Apple probably owns all our kidneys, amiright?)
I want you to know this: it is 100 percent okay if you don't fall in love with every single second. Scream and rage and fantasize about punching people in the nose if that makes you feel better. Just do what you need to do to survive ... and stay out of prison.
Now that I've more or less reached the end of the baby stage at my house, I'm going to try to replace my urge to word vomit "Enjoy it. It goes so fast" with a much less terrifying, "YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB! *solidarity fist bump*."
In a couple years, I'll have a hot cup of tea and a box of tissues ready and we can sob over ALL THE FACEBOOK MEMORIES together.
For reals though. 😭😭😭😭😭

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