Napoleon Emimurkel Goes to the Mall

I spent most of my childhood in a very, very, very small town. No McDonalds, no Starbucks, no Wal-Mart, no stop lights, and no mall.  It's probably the reason I think revolving doors and escalators are DA BOMB.

Now we live in a place with a bona fide (although by many standards, dismal) mall. I missed the whole teenager-hanging-out-at-the-mall experience, so I'm kind of strangely obsessed with the idea. I've been thinking of things to do at the mall besides spend money.

Which I can't do seeing as I have no dough.

Phyllo dough or the other kind of dough dough.

Anyway, there's no escalators or revolving doors to entertain my hillbilly brain, so I thought of a few other activities. You probably won't get arrested for doing these things, but there's no guarantee. So no civil suits, okay?

Be forewarned, this is delinquency with a healthy dose of pure nerd. It's like Eminem mixed with Napoleon Dynamite and Urkel ... Napoleon Emimurkel!

There's a white boy 'fro under that 50 Cent cap.
I'm sure of it.

1. Use your knowledge of physics to knock over a gigantic ficus tree with a bouncy ball.
2. Write on something with a washable marker. Anything will work, but you get bonus points for dumb ass spelling mistakes (like P-E-N-A-S ... actually saw this the other day in a bathroom stall. Oh humanity, I weep for you.)
3. Super glue a quarter to the floor. See how many people stop to pick it up. Record your observations. Make a bar, graph or pie chart with the data.
4. Glue a googly eye to your forehead. Proceed as usual.
5. Buy a can of spray paint. Carry it around in a fanny pack.
6. Locate a "gansta". Pull your pants down to your knees. Follow him around making penguin noises. Don't get shot.
Incidentally, what noises do penguins make?
7. Google "penguin noises" while simultaneously executing the kung fu moves you learned to keep people from stealing your lunch money.
8. Tell random strangers, "I'm sexy and I know it." Bonus points for wearing a sequined rainbow zebra print Speedo OVER high-waisted polyester pants.
9. Get a Slushie. Put it in a brown paper bag. Be your normal clumsy self.
10. Pay someone in pennies.

There. A complete guide to Napoleon Emimurkel-ness whilst trolling a dismal mall without escalators or revolving doors.

This is extremely valuable information, peeps. Don't let it fall into the wrong hands.

May the force be with you.

Friday Funnies

Hi peeps!

Start your weekend right with giggles, cackles, heehaws, titters, sniggers and snackles.

Okay, the last one's made up. YOU try coming up with a synonym that rhymes with "cackles".

On that note ....

And in the same vein ...

Have a happy weekend!

Nerdy Halloween Mantle

Hi folks!

Long time, no see (sorta?). I've been super busy not being productive in the slightest. I did, however, add a little bit of Halloween humor to the mantle.

Pacman and unicorn dandruff ... bazinga!

Happy Halloween!

Tortillas For Everyone!

I'm one of those people who has really weird dreams. Sometimes they involve Care Bears and gigantic ducks. Sometimes it's purple jello-eating monsters. Occasionally Darth Vader pops in. They never make sense. As to how this reflects on the state of my psyche, I try not to think about it.

The other night, I had a dream about this commercial:

There were a few minor differences in the dream version. First, the sweet little voice was singing, "let's all, all, all, all, let's all ... tortillas for everyone." And the Priuses (Prii?) were spitting out tortillas like Frisbees and the forest creatures and suburbians and old guys playing chess were catching them with gigantic stupid smiles on their faces and devouring them. Also, the tortillas were green. Maybe they were spinach tortillas. Or maybe they were just old. Not sure.

So the next day I had that weird little snippet of song stuck in my head. It made me think of this recipe. Since these tortillas are ridiculously delicious (and not green), I figured I should share it. Plus, now this post isn't completely pointless. Hooray!

Homemade Flour Tortillas
(originally from Hillbilly Housewife)
4 c. flour
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 baking powder
1/3 c. shortening
1 to 1 1/2 c. water

Combine flour, salt and baking powder. Cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs (I use a fork). Next, add 1 c. water. Stir. If the mixture doesn't form a cohesive ball, add water 1 tbsp at a time until you get to the right consistency (not sticky, not flaky). Form 8-12 balls (depending on the size of tortilla you want), cover them with a towel and let them rest 10 minutes.

In the meantime, preheat a skillet or frying pan. I set my stove to medium high, but you may want to experiment with your own cooktop. Now take a dough ball and roll it out on a floured surface. It probably won't be perfectly round. Don't worry; you'll be so busy stuffing your face with deliciousness you won't care. Heat the tortilla for about 30 seconds on each side, just until you start to see brown spots. Put it in a gallon Ziploc bag to keep it warm and soft. Now do the same thing to the rest of the dough balls.

Now, go forth and devour!

Tortillas for everyone!

A Huggable Cactus

According to the great and magical Pinterest, succulents are all the rage these days. I am kind of like the Rambo of plant killers, so a hardy plant is a must for me. In that respect, succulents are perfect.

There is, however, another problem with these types of plants, particularly cacti.

They are not very huggable. Fortunately, I discovered this lovely crochet pattern. It's an impossible-to-kill, completely huggable, ridiculously cute tiny cactus!

Just a bit of Red Heart Super Saver acrylic yarn and newspaper stuffing. Voila!

I am tempted to add tiny googly eyes and name it and let it guest blog here at {walker whimsy}. What would a tiny crocheted cactus have to say, anyway?

Witch's Brew Centerpiece

A few days ago, I found myself in the Halloween decor section at the dollar store. I love a good deal, but I love 57 good deals even more!

I bought a bunch of random stuff, brought it home, and set it on the kitchen table. It lived there for a while because I couldn't figured out what to do with it. Then, FLASH!

Not that kind of flash ...

The idea to create a Witch's Brew centerpiece popped into my head. After some craft stash raiding (and a bit of magic), I ended up with this:

All I did was lay out some black fabric scraps, attach tulle and "creepy fabric" from the dollar store to the light fixture for smoke, placed the ends of it in a pot I already had, then added dollar store spiders and skeletons. I stuck a wooden spoon in the pot, too.

These empty glass jars were sitting on a shelf in my craft space, so I filled them up with various craft supplies, printed out labels, taped them on, and scattered them around the pot.

The contents of this witch's spice rack include:

Lizard Blood (food coloring in water), Bunny Tails (white pom poms), Worm Intestines (jute twine scraps),

Unicorn Dandruff (glitter), Eyeballs (googly eyes), Pins & Needles (don't have to explain that one),

Dragon Breath (um ... air), and Live Spiders (decidedly not alive plastic spiders from the dollar store).

My favorite part, I have to say, is how the salt and pepper shakers fit in so nicely with the display. I can just imagine a Julia Child-esque witch reciting, "a spot of lizard blood, two bunny tails, three live spiders and salt and pepper to taste." Haha.

Or rather *cackle*.

Speaking of witches and the Flash(es), what are you going to be this October 31st? I've got T's costume materials, but I haven't figured anything out for Gracie, Grover, or myself.

Maybe I'll have another FLASH. Or maybe I'll whip up a couple of these mustaches.

Or maybe we'll just end up at home on the couch in flannel pj's with two adorably costumed children and a bowlful of empty candy wrappers.

Houston, we have a plan.

Let's party!

Road Trip Photobomb

On our way home from Wyoming last weekend, we stopped at Sheep Creek to check out the salmon run.

Sheep Creek

salmon!

I had never seen salmon outside of a restaurant, so I was pretty excited. Unfortunately my ignorance on the subject made itself obvious when I casually asked Grover, "so they go all the way from here to Alaska, huh?" His hysterical laughter was answer enough. Yeah. Apparently salmon live in other places, too. Thanks a lot, Discovery Channel.

T also thought the "pishies" were cool.

The mountainous region around Sheep Creek is home to big horn sheep and mountain goats (hence the name ... whoever thought of that was one creative soul). I've never seen any, but Grover has.

Apparently they were all at the premiere of  Finding Nemo 3D.

After the stop at Sheep Creek, we went through Ashley Valley National Forest. It was a little late in the season, but the aspens still put on a pretty impressive show.

Taken whilst hanging out the window ... Grover hates it when I do that.

And the view through the front windshield.
See the bug smears?
That's why I usually hang out the side of the car.

Purty, purty

Aspen trees are my favorites. Grover calls them "quakies". Has anyone else ever heard this moniker? Maybe it's a Wyoming-ite thing.