12 Disgusting Things I Never Ever, Ever Thought I'd Do

Seriously, never, ever, ever.

1. Catch vomit. With my hands.

I used to be a strictly anti-ralphing sympathy puker who would do ANYTHING to avoid puke.

Oh poor hubby, you have the stomach flu? Good thing you can fit on the bathroom floor if you curl up into a fetal position and dislocate a shoulder or two! Here, let me get you a pillow.

Then kids happened. The moment I realized something had changed was the moment I rushed from the kitchen to the dining room (at my inlaw's house, of course) to catch G's puke in my bare hands.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I instinctively turned her little barfing body to face me like I had suddenly morphed into a  fucking human ShamWow.

I had a good reason, though. It was spaghetti with sauce. We all know what red food does to carpet. Especially your inlaw's pristine moss green carpet.

I didn't really realize how incredibly gross it was until the kids' Papa started dry heaving and had to leave the room, but goddammit, I saved that carpet!

Why I Hate Cute Kid Contests

Children.

We make them, we raise them, they become adults, they make more children, we become grandparents, it actually starts getting fun (supposedly).

The circle of life.

Circle of Life = Disney code for "Life blows."

For reals, though, kids are freaking awesome. We can agree on that, right?

So can we also agree to shun cute kid contests and their ilk?

Maybe you're like, "YEAHHH! I HATE THOSE THINGS, TOO!" Maybe you don't see what the big deal is. Maybe you've participated and enjoyed them and full-fledged shunning seems a little over-dramatic and you only do it for funsies or fruit baskets or A ONCE-in-a-LIFETIME CHANCE to WIN $25,000!!! (... while we mine your Facebook account for personal information.)

Or maybe you're one of those parents who uses your child as nothing more than a stepping stone on your quest to fame and notoriety. A Dance Mom. A Pageant Mom. A Future Circus Performers of America Mom. (How is that last one not it's own TLC special yet? HOW.) If you're one of those, PLEASE GET HELP.

If you've signed your kids up for these sorts of contests before, I'm not judging you. I understand the motivation. I think my kids are the bomb and you absolutely should, too.

Please take a moment, however, to consider the pitfalls of these things, besides annoying the junk out of all your friends with pleas to vote every three seconds because, you know, a win would just mean so much to six-month-old Junior. No one wants to do that. (Except maybe Grandma. Maybe.)