Wednesday, August 29, 2012


Good day!

Evidently Gracelyn is the head chairbaby of BASA.

That would be the Babies Against Socks Association.

We start with two socks ...

and then there's just one ...

and two seconds later ...

It's like NASA, but a million times cooler.
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Monday, August 27, 2012

Nancy Drew and the Sign of the Used Pine Candle

While I'm recuperating from childbirth and dealing with super fun things like engorgement, hot flashes, random crying jags and a clingy toddler who has decided waking up at 5 a.m. is AWE to the SOME, allow me to regale you with a tale of epic social failure ...

Also, this baby is ADORBS.

I must have been off in a corner trying to figure out how to lick my elbow when God was handing out social graces. There's no sugar-coating it - I am just plain awkward in most social situations. People will ask completely normal questions like, "What's your name?" and random drivel will fall out of my mouth.

"I'm Waitlin Calker and I like troll dolls."

Which I don't. They're creepy and weird and ... nude. Why exactly do they have to be nude?

the only thing that rocks is their hair
Anyhoo, I apologize in advance if someday you meet me in person. I will probably clam up or totally over share and you will want to flee before I start laughing manically.

I'm good at laughing manically.

When you are afflicted with social awkwardness (or shyness or clumsiness or whatever you want to call it), it makes you especially thankful for the friends you have. So, if you are my friend, thank you. You are awesome.
I might as well give up and be like this guy.
Adieu, eyebrow tweezers.
And haircuts.
And clothing.
And the last tattered shreds
of my dignity.

Now, back to the saga.

Two lovely friends threw me a truly lovely baby shower two weeks ago. Everything was perfect. The food was amazing, the decor was beautiful, the people were friendly, and I only had to pee three times in three hours. That was a miracle in itself.

I even managed not to scare anyone away with weird random comments ... I think. I was doing pretty well and thinking maybe, just maybe, the stars had aligned enough for me not to make a horrific social blunder (like catching my backpack strap on a door knob and mashing my face into a wall while also twisting both ankles ... being me takes talent, I tell you).

I should have known.

I decided to give each of my hostesses a candle from my aunt's candle shop. They had been sitting on a shelf waiting for the opportune moment, and I figured it was a much better gift than, say, a white rabbit. Or Scotch tape. Or something else.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure why or who or what, but someone else in the house apparently had a hankering for Christmas pine (in JULY), because when those two lovely people opened the candles to savor the piney goodness, they discovered something.

The candles had been used.

I would have been mortified, but luckily these two people have known me since childhood and therefore know all about my lack of social skills and ability to screw up simple things.

Soooo, allow me to profusely and publicly apologize. Thank you for loving me despite my social face-planting failures.

I love you guys :-)

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Ta Dah!

This past weekend I did something pretty amazing. It involved adult diapers, mesh underwear, instant loss of at least 15 pounds, and a good amount of yelling.

 Any guesses?

Gracelyn Violet Walker, born August 19, 2012 at 8:14 p.m.
Five pounds, 12.5 ounces and 18.75 inches long.
I am ridiculously proud of her.

 How was.your weekend?

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Why I Hate Cats

Yesterday, I thought I was in labor. Contractions started at 2:15 p.m., were 10 minutes apart by 5, and were lasting one minute and were five minutes apart by 2 a.m.

Also, they HURT.

Then I fell asleep watching a news story about how National Geographic put collar cameras on all these house cats and found out that cats are disgusting creatures who murder millions of birds and crawl around in sewers and stuff. Plus, they often "cheat" on their owners and have two or more families who feed them and pet them and let them sleep in their beds.


Evil much?

I would say so.

I woke up three hours later. The contractions are gone, but now I feel like someone is pulling apart my hip bones with two giant vise grips.


Apparently this child does not want to enter the world after finding out it is inhabited by cats.

Pure evil, I tell you.

P.S. I really don't hate cats (but I'm definitely not a fan of them). I just hate that I'm still pregnant despite 12 hours of contractions and I need a scapegoat. 

Or a scapecat, as it were.

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Saturday, August 11, 2012

Zucchini, How Do I Loathe Thee?

Let me count the ways ...

1. You masquerade as a delicious cucumber. Except you are not delicious.

2. You grow much too large much too quickly. I mean, really, what are you supposed to do with a vegetable the size of caveman's club? Besides bash someone's face in, of course.

3. You're the only thing that seems to flourish in the garden (besides weeds). WHY?

4. If vegetables had frontal lobes, you would be the one plotting to take over the world.

5. You are tasteless.
6. The male species thinks you are poisonous. Unless you are well-hidden by fat and/or sugar, you may as well be arsenic.

7. You are not mentioned in the Veggie Tales theme song. This pretty much means you suck.

8. You have the texture of a old frozen sock. Don't ask my how I know the texture of an old frozen sock.

9. And finally, nobody wants to take you off our hands. Fresh tomatoes from the garden? Yes! Home-grown corn? Certainly! Organic spinach and lettuce (and by "organic", I mean it's still got the bugs on it)? Definitely!

And how 'bout some zucchini?

I'll pass, thanks.

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Car Seat Strap Covers

 I've been alternating between extreme fatigue and frantic nesting. I managed to make these car seat strap covers before passing out last night:

the pink colors match in person; not sure why that didn't come across in the picture
I followed this tutorial and made a few changes. I didn't round the corners (because I hate sewing rounded edges) and I started out with 5 inch by 6 inch pieces instead of 6 inch by 6 inch pieces. I figured since they're for a newborn, they'll need to be a bit smaller so they don't interfere with the chest clip.

I also made some for T (with six inch by six inch pieces), but I'm currently too tired to run out and get a picture of them ... see aforementioned note about extreme fatigue.

I'm going to pass out on my computer keyboard now.

TTYL :-)

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Sunday, August 5, 2012

35 Weeks

I am 35 weeks pregnant today.

I managed to get dressed in something beside yoga pants for church.

Boo ya.

I'm down to one pair of shorts, one skirt, two dresses and four shirts that actually cover up the belly without creating other weird, random bumps (seriously, how is it even possible to have a muffin top AND a gigantic baby belly? WHY MUST YOU BETRAY ME, TOO SMALL MATERNITY PANTS?)

Hopefully that will be enough to last the next two (do you hear me, tiny human? Please no more than TWO ... okay, up to five if you really need it) weeks!

Otherwise, I'm going to end up here:

Hideous gigantic floral print muumuus for everyone, I say!

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Oy-limpics

Have you been watching the Olympics this week? I have. And I have officially decided I will never be an athlete.

This is what would happen to me:

Of course, if pounding chocolate milkshakes, popping out offspring at warp speed, and accidentally super-gluing my fingertips together become Olympics sports, I would totally kick ants.

What Olympic sport do you wish existed so you could win some Snoop Dogg (oops, I mean Snoop Lion ... because that is a much less ridiculous name) worthy bling?

Is it just me, or do the medals seem to be getting bigger?

1988 (Holmes and Redgrave)
2012 (Ryan Lochte)
The future? (President Camacho, Idiocracy)

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