Saturday, December 31, 2011

Nappy Yew Hear!

Wow, what a year! It's amazing how time has flown by. Last January, I was passed out on the couch by 9 p.m.  from pregnancy-induced exhaustion. Oh, what fun.

This year, I'm ready to part-ay BIG TIME. And when I say part-ay, I mean chill in my jammies and watch Kung Fu Panda 2 whilst drinking ginormous amounts of Sprite and eating super-sale cranberry sauce with a spoon.

What can I say? I'm a bad a$$.

May the new year bring you happiness and warm fuzzy feelings!

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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Other Uses for the Push-Up Bra

You'll poke your eye out, kid!
This, my friends, is a post about boobs.

Something happens to our bumps, humps and lady lumps after childbirth. First of all, you become a milk-making machine. Hooray for the ability to sustain life with seemingly useless bags of fat! Women are AWESOME.

Something else happens, too. I call it the Balloon Effect. Now, I started out as a B cup, so I didn't have much to work with in the first place. And this may not happen to everyone. But this is what happened to me:

I went up a cup size.

Then I went down two cup sizes.

Then I went up three cups sizes.

And then I went back to a C cup.

This happened in ONE day. And it still happens ALL THE TIME. Sometimes your boobs feel like boulders and sometimes they feel like deflated balloons. One is almost always fuller than the other.

But they are pretty much always 4 inches below where they once were ...

When people buy you push-up bras for Christmas, you know it's bad.

I got a really, really nice bra this year. It is pretty and lacy and has glittery things on it. And it is about 90 percent padding.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy not having my nipples point in random (sometimes opposite) directions. But since this bra was relatively expensive ($67 to be exact), I figured it should have more uses than a saggy boob shelf.

Behold, a list of other uses for the push-up bra:

> Bumper Pads
You are out on the town as Super Mommy and you get shoved into a brick wall by an evil nemesis.


The recoil from your bra's padding makes you bounce back 15 feet at maximum velocity, knocking over your enemy.

You yell, "ka-CHOW!"

Good prevails and the world is saved.

> Distraction
This one is pretty much self-explanatory. If you have ever put on a push-up bra and had someone look at you like you grew antennae, you know what I'm talking about.

If you want, add some blinking LED lights.

Also, buy a t-shirt that says, "If you are reading this, you're an ARSEHOLE" across the chest. Videotape the reactions you get. Put them on YouTube. Become an overnight sensation.

> Bulletproof Vest

The push-up bra is muy bueno for protecting vital organs. Its ridiculous amount of padding ensures you will live to see another day ... unless they shoot you in the head.

> Weapon of Mass Destruction
I haven't tried this (yet), but I'm pretty sure push-up bras would make amazing slingshots.

> Snack Pack
When cleavage magically appears, so do bits and pieces from all the things you ate that day. A few pieces of peppermint candy, a brownie crumb, a bit of turkey.

If you get hungry, all you have to do is grab something from the great cleavage chasm and you're back in action.

> Self-Confidence Booster
Because, you know, your entire self-worth should depend on the size and shape of your hooters.

Which is decided by genetics.


That's logical.

> Skankifier

I am not a skanky person (umm, hopefully). And push-up bras used correctly are wonderful things. But push -up bras plus shirts designed to hold B cups cause major issues. Believe me, I know.

Push-up bra: $67
Too small shirt: $6
Automatic Skankification: PRICELESS

I really do enjoy having boobs that don't look like empty tube socks.
But I'm afraid if I start wearing this bra more often, people are going to notice the dramatic size change. And I refuse to buy another $67 bra.

Even though it can be used to survive a zombie apocalypse.

I will just blame it all on nursing.

Done and done.

While we're on the topic of boobs, if/when you nursed your baby, did you just whip it out in public or did you cover up? Did you ever receive snide comments? What did you say in return?
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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas!

Have a very merry Christmas!

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I have PMS. 

Which means I look like this:

See the diabolical smile? The people fleeing in fear? How everything is suddenly and inexplicably PUFT?!?

That pretty much covers it.

I'm going to go eat something smothered in chocolate now. Pretzels. Raisins.

Grasshoppers. Worms.


If it's got chocolate on it, I'm game.

Just lemme go duct tape a hot water bottle to my stomach real quick.

See you in five.

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30 Day Photo Challenge ~ Day 7

Day 7 ~ Something Funny

Baby Jemima ... he didn't find it funny, but I did :)

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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Check Your Flocking Facts

The Fib from Outer Space
I love my computer, my smart phone, and the Internet. But technology definitely has a down side.

It augments human stupidity. You see, in the olden days (you know, like the 1970s), it was much harder to spread lies. You couldn't push a magical button that would send a chain email to 1,500 people in a matter of seconds. You couldn't share a bogus story on Facebook with 800 friends. Heck, you couldn't even text message. You actually had to talk to someone. Ew.

The Rumor Weed
People are the same now as they were back then (minus the polyester and the 'fros ... hopefully). But the weapons of mass destruction fib spreading have changed. Instead of a letter, a phone call or a town crier, we have Twitter, Facebook, and email. Plus, we seem to have forgotten all about common sense. Everything we see, hear, or read is automatically true. Because, you know, we saw it on Facebook. And if you see it on Facebook, it must be true. Right?


What's behind the pervasive tendency to spread total bullsh*t, anyway? It's not "being a responsible citizen". It's not "keeping others informed."

It's gossip. And spreading gossip, last time I checked, is WRONG.

Do you want to sound like a parrot on crack? Of course you don't.



For generic lies, go here:
For political lies, go here:

I was not paid to promote either of these websites.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Z is for Ze End!


This is the last post in the A2Z series! I am finishing about 3 weeks late, but I FINISHED! Boo ya! 26 of my first 74 blog posts were devoted to this meme created by the awesome Patty Wysong.

Participating in this linky party has really helped me discover what I like to write about. It's random, wacky, sometimes a little too much information. It's my own special flavor of crazy :-)

How's about a little recap?

A is for Accountability

I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I started A2Z posts late. Of course you did.

The first one was about accountability, specifically regarding weight loss. I did a few accountability updates on Fridays and then got a snarky comment about being obsessed with myself and stopped. I will, however, post a final update someday soon so all you NICE people can hear all about me. Me, me, me, me, me.

B is for Baby

Hard to believe at the time Baby T was only 9 weeks old!

C is for Circus Peanuts

Alternate title: How Lucky Charms Were Invented ... one of my wackier posts :-)

D is for Do It

No, not that. Sheesh.

E is for Ew

AKA The Kirby Salesmen Saga

F is for Fireworks

Hooray for America! And the stupid people who call it home.

G is for Girl's Night

Which I forgot to take pictures of. Of course you did.

H is for Hairdo ... and heliotrope
Part 1 & Part 2

When I dyed my hair purple ... let's just say it was a learning experience.

I is for Inspiration

A list of a few ways to get inspired - WOO!

J is for Jesus

The one and only.

K is for Kangaroo Pouch

The body part that shall not be named ... unless you name it Kangaroo Pouch and then break your foot and wish you really were a marsupial.

L is for Labor ~ 10 Things No One Tells You

I'm not gonna reread this one because I'm just now starting to forget the most horrible parts ...

M is for Motherhood ~ 10 Things No One Tells You

If I could think of two more, I could turn this into a "12 Days of ... " song a la Jeff Foxworthy.

N is for Nursing ~ 10 Things No One Tells You

Here's a visual: meat grinder + nipple ... 'nuf said.

O is for Owls

My super-amazing overhaul of an owl figurine thingy. Okay, so all I did was paint it. What have YOU done lately?

P is for Photography

Which led to a few posts on Shimelle's camera school lessons ... which then fizzled ... which then created the desire to do a 30 day photo challenge ... of which I am on day six ... and have been for the past month.

Q is for Quitting

Don't do it! Because cookie cutter creativity is lame and boring and all you have to show for it at the end of your life is some weird random topiary you made at MOPS.

R is for Rewind

Life is short.So live.

S is for Shiny Sink

My over-the-sink makeover inspired by Flylady.

T is for Typography

My weird obsession is not so weird after all.

U is for Urine

Pee in your mouth = not fun.

V is for Verse

My fave Scripture.

W is for WoW

Love is all you need.

X is for X Chromosome

Celebrating girl power!

Y is for Y Chromosome

Because little guys are awesome too.

and Z is for Ze End!

A wee bit tardy as usual.

I don't think my chronic lateness is caused by laziness or procrastination (okay, sometimes it's both), but things just seem to pile up and then I get overwhelmed and I don't do anything. At all. I don't wash the dishes, I don't vacuum the floor, I don't shave my legs (until someone who shall not be named wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, "THERE'S A SPIDER IN OUR BED!!!" because of another certain someone's extremely long leg hair ... )

 It's a vicious cycle. One I hope to break.


Or maybe the next day ...
That would totally happen to me.

What was your favorite A2Z post?


Ordinary Lives. From a 2 z 4 u & me
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Seeing things from a new angle

We are in the process of babyproofing our house. Munchkin is not crawling yet, but he can kinda sorta army crawl around in a circle and roll and then he does a little shimmy... it's kinda hard to explain. Suffice it to say he can move a few inches, and that's reason enough to make sure the house is safe.

One thing I have learned  from this experience is that children make you see things from a completely different perspective. For example, get down on your hands and knees right now and look around.

Do you see Christmas presents you can gum until the wrapping paper dissolves?
A tiny section of a power cord sticking out from behind the TV stand that can give you a nice little ZING?
Small pieces of something unidentifiable to shove in your mouth as fast as you can?
And LOOK! Is that a hard wooden piece of furniture for you to smack your head on at least twice before mom rescues you?

There's TWO!

That's one way your perspective changes as a parent. In another sense, all things old become new again. The holiday season this year has been SO MUCH FUN because of Baby Munchkin. For instance:

Who knew Christmas trees were so amazing?
And did you know Santa is a FAKE!?!

I can't wait for Christmas morning!

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