Thursday, November 14, 2019

The rainbow sparkly dark angry emo phase

Hello, friends.

Did you realize sometime in the past 10 years EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG started a blog? But not LITERALLY an everyone and their dog blog, oh no. That would be 100% acceptable. Dogs are obviously the best thing on the internet.

Just blogs. Straight up blogs about nothing in particular.

I'm pretty sure that's part of the reason I've been avoiding this place.

Mostly though, it hurts to see the juxtaposition of Caitlin Past (RAINBOW SCARF!) and Caitlin Present (GUESS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR BODY AFTER YOU DIE!) on this one tiny little address on the great and glorious (and not so glorious) interwebs.

Shit happened, y'all. And if you live long enough, it will happen to you, too.

Since it's difficult to categorize and sort piles of shit, here's a messy rundown of the past ten years.  think I've posted about a lot of this stuff already. And yes, I am avoiding dishes and/or any mention of impeachment proceedings. And I also feel like it's necessary to do some kinda recap before, universe willing, I dive back in here.

1. I got married at 18. Technically, this is a few months past 10 years. Our ten year anniversary was July 10. All I have to say about this: marriage is hard and fairy tales are bullshit. You have to work at it. Preferably in therapy, where someone with a lot of training can help you understand each other and tell you to knock shit off.


2. Our church life fell apart. I was recently going through draft posts and found one called "Krispy Fried Kristian." I would have posted it, but I don't identify with the "Christian" label anymore, so I chucked it. The crazy thing is I WAS ACTUALLY AFRAID TO POST IT BACK THEN!!! AND IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE CUSS WORDS OR ANYTHING!!!


3. I had four children in 4.5 years. 0/10 do not recommend. It's like having a litter of puppies but with the stakes set to one trillion.


4. We moved. Like a bazillion times

Moving sucks. You know it, I know it. The entire box of knicknacks I'm still missing knows it.


5. I almost died.

I battled postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis and suicidal thoughts after each of my kids were born, but especially after my second child and only girl was born in August 2012. I chronicled the whole thing, cuz apparently I am the overshariest of all oversharers, right here on this blog. Two people reached out ... which sounds sarcastic ... but I'm actually over-the-moon happy that I could help ANYONE tackle the horrific monster that is PPD. I remember when I posted the series I kept thinking, "even if it helps ONE person, it will be worth busting my guts all over the internet."

And you know what? It totally was.


6. PMDD got put in a fancy book!

After struggling with postpartum depression, and after wasting A LOT of time avoiding therapy and having the symptoms get REALLY BAD (DON'T DO THIS), I was eventually told I had both endometriosis and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). I took Zoloft for a bit, which made me feel like a zombie. THEN, I found an amazing women's health provider who put me on a) birth control to manage my endo symptoms and b) progesterone. A lot of it. Two weeks out of the month. So, I can't poop ... ... ... progesterone reaaaallllly slows down your digestion if you don't get that reference ... ... ... but I also don't want to kill myself (as much), so I'm calling that a WIN. It's the little things.

I was officially diagnosed with PMDD (which *officially* got put in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013) earlier this year.

7. We bought a business. More specifically, a newspaper. In 2016. Because we are INSANE.

This business is one of the things I still care about (more on that later.) It's 135 years old, and I wake up every day hoping we aren't the ones who kill it, despite society's move to social media.

Also, if you say something idiotic about "social" being the "future" in my presence, I will throat punch you.

(Probably not, because I suck at confrontation. But you will get A VERY STRONGLY WORDED AND VERY LONG EXPLANATION OF HOW SOCIAL MEDIA IS DESTROYING OUR BRAINS AND OUR SOCIETY AT LARGE. You have been warrrrrrned.)

8. My grandma died.

The best grandma, because apparently only the good ones get to go home early. Pancreatic cancer. The last words she ever said to me are, "I am so proud of you."

She went out perfectly accessorized, as always, with a fantastic mani/pedi and a black and white skull headscarf.


9. My dog died.

The best dog. I'll love him forever. Maybe it's not a big deal to other people, but it was a big deal to me.

So much so that I decided to change it up and do MORE than 10 things in 10 years. Lucky, LUCKY you, dear reader.

And lest this start to sound like a bad country song ...

10. I shaved my head.

And I dyed it pink. See #12. And now, back to the bad country song ...

11. My brother died.

It messed me up. Still working on it. Struggling terribly with the idea that nothing is permanent and there are no guarantees, no matter what you do or how well you do it.

And finally?

12. I stopped giving a fuck about things that don't matter.

The scope of things I truly care about has shrunk tremendously in the last year, and I mean TREMENDOUSLY. Like, black lipstick, often.

Batman forged the path for a quarter life goth crisis. Who am I to deny it?

The things that still matter to me? Let's see. My family. When we are all together, it feels like we're missing a limb, but we love each other and support each other and make space for each other's grief and each other's bullshit, and that is worth so much. People fake healthy relationships on a much broader spectrum than I ever realized.

It's kind of a blessing to be too tired to fake things. Probably irritating for the socially acceptable robot humans at large, but if I can be an annoying pain in the ass who reminds us that we're all 100% compostable in the end, so be it. #WWED

I still care about freedom of the press. I still care about the overwhelming issue that is fake news, or propaganda disguised as news, or people who want to be "news" but only selectively report or completely skew things in favor of a specific group.  Any organization that doesn't adhere to the journalism code of ethics, and doesn't actually give a fuck what happens after they post something as long as it gets "social media traction" are a HUUUUGE part of what's wrong with society.

Strangely, and annoyingly, I still care if my dishes get done and if everyone has clean underwear and whether or not my floor is disgusting. Having a peaceful, well-functioning environment does a lot more for my mental health than I realized.

When people die, you can't just stop living. Or doing your goddamn dishes.

There's other things, too, but I am officially out of time and words.

This rainbow sparkly blog is going through its emo phase. If you can't hack it, and you're not a fan of honesty, don't let the door hit ya.

As for the rest of you, black lipstick and gold stars all around.
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