Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Edge

It got hairy there for a while, guys. And not in a Pierce Brosnan kind of way.

In a holy crap what is going on in my brain and why am I thinking like a crazy person and crying all the time kind of way. The best way I can think to explain it is that I fell into The Nothing, pushed by hormone imbalances and depression and things I've refused to deal with for a long, long time.

I'm approximately a thousand percent better than I was a few weeks ago, but there's wreckage to sort through. I kind of feel like I went through a mental hurricane and now all that's left are foundations and junk and trash and random cats. I'm bedraggled. Broken. Waterlogged and confused and not sure how to proceed.

But I am alive. So there's that. And that is BIG. Bigger than the fact that there are random cats all over my brain.

I'll talk about it some day. Probably. Maybe. I'm not really sure what to say. I need to reflect and let it simmer and make deductions and whatnot. I think maybe writing about PPD was a trigger, so I may put that on hold for a bit. Or I may not. I don't know. I'm just kind of going with the flow at the moment. Breathing. Feeling. Smiling. Realizing just how cool this life thing is again.

One thing I do need to say is "thank you". I know with absolute certainty that without my amazing family and friends, I wouldn't be here making Pierce Brosnan chest hair references. They kept me anchored in the midst of the storm.

So thank you.

Thank you for pulling me back from the edge.

Thank you for not flinching even a little in the face of my dark twistiness.

Thank you for the jokes and the kind words and the prayers and the hugs and the smiles and the love.

Thank you for the kicks in the pants.

Thank you for helping me find my spark again.

I love you all so very, very much.
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