This is messy. Are you ready? I recorded it a little too well, I think, and as I read back through my notes I was just like, "Dayum, girl. You need some extra arms!" It reminded me of a crazy version of the book, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" with a lot of bodily fluids thrown in.
I fully understand if you think this post is the most boring thing in the history of blogdom. Please feel free to skip it. I just think it will be fun to be able to go back and read it again in a year or two ... or five or ten.
I didn't have enough time to edit the photos, so they are SOOC. Some are from my Nikon and some are from my phone. If you're looking for amazing photography, avert your eyes.
*deep breath* Here we go.
4:30 a.m. - K wakes up to nurse. I fall asleep in a sitting position (and I bet I'm snoring, too).
5:45 a.m. - I hear hubby's alarm clock going off in a dream I forget as soon as my eyes open. He informs me he's been trying to wake me up for an hour to feed K so we could exercise at 6 on the dot. I crankily tell him I fed him at 4:30 and he should be okay. K's eyes pop open at that very second to prove me wrong.
5:50 a.m. - I hang out in bed nursing the baby while Grover sets up the exercise stuff and I check Facebook on my phone to stay awake.
6:00 a.m. - K is semi-sleepy, so I put him in his bouncer in the living room (which is where we exercise) and go put on my workout attire.
6:15 a.m. - We start our exercise DVD (15 minutes late). K starts fussing before we even complete the warm up, so we pause it (making us even MORE late) and I suction out his nose. Fun stuff. Once he can breathe, he takes his binky like a champ and goes back to sleep.
I realize for the nine hundredth time I am a terrible, terrible morning person.
6:30 a.m. - T and G both wake up earlier than usual (of course they do), so we plant them in the recliner while we attempt to finish the never ending exercise video.
|"Our parents are crazy."|
7:00 a.m. - Grover leaves for work. I feel like I'm going to pass out after the pretty intense workout (we're doing P90X3), so I make some chocolate milk as it's supposed to help reset your system after hard exercise or something (but mostly because it's yummy). T catches me. Looks like they'll be having some chocolate milk, too.
I make breakfast for me and the kids. K is still fast asleep in the bouncer. I contemplate moving him but decide it's not worth the risk until the kids are done eating.
During our meal, T and I have a long conversation about why he doesn't like cantaloupe ... and why he can't "go inside" the movie Wreck It Ralph.
After they calm down, I tell them to put their plates in the sink. Hershey follows G gobbling up the food bits she drops. I notice she's carrying her plate upside down.
7:45 a.m. - I realize I didn't actually record my calories as I was distracted by FB. Thinking of FB makes me open it automatically again, but I stop myself and record my calories as well as my workout in MFP. The kids get in an argument over a puzzle, so I break it up by telling them it's time to get dressed. T has gotten really into getting dressed by himself lately. I change G's diaper and dress her while T throws a fit because the socks he put on ALL BY HIMSELF are upside down and inside out. After I get him straightened out, I make the kids' beds. They escape while I'm doing this. I go corral them to brush their teeth and get distracted by the kitchen mess. I put the milk away and turn around to see G giving herself a tattoo with a pen.
I scoop her up and take her to the bathroom to brush her teeth and crazy hair. She gives me a pretty awesome scratch on the neck, so I clip her fingernails, too. I yell for T to come brush his hair and teeth. He does it "himself". Once my children look slightly less like street urchins, I sit them down to look at library books in the living room. We have a little talk about sharing.
|Share? ME? Nahhhh.|
I make peace with the fact I will probably be wearing my outfit for the next 18 hours.
T sits next to me on the couch being obnoxious while G goes over to the door and yells at Hershey to "C'MERE!" T decides this is more fun than trying to "gently" kick K in the head, so he joins in the cacophony.
T comes back to the couch to "pet" K's head, making him yank off my boob (OUCH) and scream. I burp him while T reads more books on the couch. I resist the very strong urge to pick at K's cradle cap. G is done yelling at the dog and decides to yell at me instead. "Hold me! Hold you!"
I look out the window and think how pretty the view is.
I realize G's teeth are probably bothering her again, so I get up to give her some ibuprofen. T WANTS MEDICINE, TOO! BOY MEDICINE! I say no.
About this time, K pukes on my shirt. Both T and G want me to hold them now, so I set them on the couch next to me. Since pretty much all the milk K just drank is now on my shirt, he's hungry again.
T pulls up his shirt to look at his "boobs". We have a long conversation about boobs, gender, babies, and nursing. G starts trying to "pet" the baby's head during this conversation. I realize K probably has a tummy ache when he gets fussy after just a few minutes of nursing.
T gets his basket of Hot Wheels and starts systematically dropping cars behind the couch. G brings me the library books and tries to drop them on K's head.
8:49 a.m. - I decide it's TV time.
8:55 a.m. - After searching for the remote, I finally get Sesame Street turned on. I put K in the swing in the bathroom. Since the kids are occupied, I wash my face, brush my teeth, and deodorize my armpits. I look in the mirror and decide my self esteem can't handle catching glimpses of THAT for the rest of the day, so I spend about five minutes putting on some makeup. I spray copious amounts of dry shampoo in my hair and braid it. I put on earrings, too.
9:20 a.m. - I change K's poopy diaper, realizing that if I would have known the kids would be so involved with this particular episode of Sesame Street I could have showered. K is hungry (again), so I nurse him while checking FB (again). I read a few Bible devotions, too.
Elmo's incredibly annoying song snaps me out of my phone trance. Crap. I only have 15 minutes left. K is dozing. G has lost interest in Sesame Street and is dismantling my purse.
I wish fervently for a cup of coffee.
9:50 a.m. - Sesame Street is over, so the TV goes off. I make my bed. I check on the kids and find T removing his clothes. We have a short conversation about not getting out the play dough right now. G is yelling, "HOLD ME!" repeatedly. I put K in the bouncer again and pick her up. As I head to the kitchen and start to clean up the breakfast mess, T runs out of the bathroom to tell me he peed everywhere. While I am supervising the clean up of that mess, K loses his binky and starts fussing. As soon as I get him to take his binky, I realize it's snack time.
10:01 a.m. - I start to get the kids their snack. In his quest to keep G from getting HIS raisins, T spills them all over the counter. Once I get them cleaned up I start putting away the dishes. I remember I need to pump. Meh. I decide to do it after I'm done with the kitchen. I scarf down some graham crackers and raisins.
Perk of parenting: you get to have snack time, too.
10:15 a.m. Grandma Bev stops by for a short visit.
10:32 a.m. - Grandma says her goodbyes. I return to the kitchen. G smacks her head on a cabinet door and starts crying, so I pick her up and keep my almost completely futile attempt to clean the kitchen.
10:45 a.m. - The kitchen is done. Not clean, mind you, but done. K is awake and filling his britches again. Someone hits someone with a spatula during a drum session with an empty storage box, so I take away both the spatulas and the box.
Everyone starts crying at the same time.
10:50 a.m.- I change K's diaper and decide it's tummy time. He's not a fan. We all sit/lay on the floor by his wriggly little body.
|I'm sure this is utterly terrifying.|
The only way I can get K to calm down is nursing, so I sit down and do it while the kids drag all their stuffed animals into the hallway. I finally make T put on a shirt after his earlier stripping session.
11:22 a.m. - After K is done nursing and burping, I make the executive decision we should get some fresh air. It's relatively warm outside.
11:34 a.m. - The kids are dressed and ready to go. I put K in the Moby wrap and he promptly pukes on my shirt (again). Awesome. Where ARE the freaking wipes?
11:35 a.m. - We head outside with some chalk. K is asleep in the wrap already. G attempts to leave the premises more than once, smacks the tricycle with some rocks and eats snow using a stick as a spoon so her hands don't get cold. T runs around yelling out the names of the letters and shapes I've drawn on the driveway with chalk, tries to ride his tricycle, scatters sawdust everywhere and throws chalk at the house to break it into a gazillion pieces.
I quickly remember why we haven't been outside much lately.
12:14 p.m. - We come back inside after cleaning up billions of broken chalk pieces. G screams about it. K is awake again so I put him on the floor to stare at the ceiling fan.
I put the big kids at the table and make them plates of leftover spaghetti with tomato slices and mozzarella cheese to round it out. I remember I still need to pump but I am too hungry to do it right now.
12:26 p.m. - I make myself a plate. K fusses a bit, but soon stops and starts talking to the ceiling fan. Adorable.
T and I have a conversation about dying. I wonder where he picked up on that.
I check on K while T "shares" his "pasketti" with the dog. G flings her plate off the table. This is one of her new things.
I take a picture with K because he's just so darn CUTE.
12:52 p.m. - Lunch is officially done and it's almost everyone's favorite time of day - nap time! First, however, we have to clean up what can only be described as an epic disaster.
|This is mayyybe a third of the mess.|
T is distracted by one of the toys he is supposed to be cleaning up.
1:30 p.m. - All clean! I set T up to do a lesson on abcmouse.com. K is hungry again, so I change his diaper, then nurse him. Aaannnd I check FB again.
2:40 p.m. - K has nursed and burped and pooped and nursed again and I've read through my favorite blogs and killed my phone battery.
2:45 p.m. - T goes down for rest time. I sit down at my computer and enter my lunch calories. I think the word "snack" and K wakes up. I shove something in my mouth at warp speed before he starts fussing too much
2:55 p.m. - I put K in his cradle next to my desk and sit down to write my blog post. I get distracted by Pinterest.
3:15 p.m. - I finally open the blog post I'm supposed to have done. I put on some Pandora to help me concentrate.
4:15 p.m. - Grover texts to say there's been an emergency at work and he will be home late, so I decide to let the kids sleep late. Plus, the blog post I'm working on is not cooperating at all.
4:40 p.m. - My blog post still isn't done, but the kids are up. I switch on Cinderella and give them a snack and keep plugging away.
5:20 p.m. - The kids have eaten their snack and have lost interest in Cinderella. G is taking apart the pieces of my breast pump. Shoot. I still haven't gotten around to pumping. I collect the pieces she's scattered and set it on my desk so I'll remember to do it.
5:30 p.m. - K wakes up to eat.
5:40 p.m. - T and G have taken every pillow in the house and are making a "nest" in the living room while I nurse K. G is still watching the movie, but only during the musical numbers. The blog post is FINALLY taking shape. I love it.
5:45 p.m. - K is asleep on my shoulder.
5:47 p.m. - Scratch that.
6:06 p.m. - I'm still working on the blog post, and by working I mean staring at it. I hate it with every fiber of my being and want to delete every single word.
6:12 p.m. - Grover is home earlier than expected. I breathe a sigh of relief. G is on the train table yelling, "I STUCK! HELP ME!" He rescues her from her perch, which she loudly protests despite the fact she was yelling to get down.
6:15 p.m. - I take a break from blogging to prepare for the insanity that is dinner time.
6:26 p.m. - The chicken is still pink. I realize I forgot to do my usual Friday task of budgeting and bill paying. K is hungry again, so I nurse him while staring at my blog post some more. I'm feeling ambivalent about it. T gets out every dish towel we own for reasons unknown. Grover turns on some music and G starts dancing.
7:05 p.m. - K is nursed and burped. Dinner is done, so I get up to make plates. As I'm walking toward the kitchen, I hear God-awful screaming coming from the bathroom. G has fallen and pushed her two front teeth partway up into her gums. There's blood everywhere. We get her calmed down with a popsicle.
After two popsicles, the bleeding and crying have both stopped. I shove a piece of chicken in my face and decide I need a beer.
I AM SO HUNGRY.
7:35 p.m. - Grover takes G so I can eat. I sit down at the table with T to try to get him to have some veggies.
7:40 p.m. - Grover is concerned about G's teeth and wants to possibly take her to the dentist, so we call in the all-knowing Mimi. After consulting Google, she diagnoses the injury as a dental inclusion. There's nothing they can do for it. G is acting pretty normal, so I think she's okay.
7:46 p.m. - I sit back down at the table to find T has dumped out the entire salt shaker onto his plate of veggies.
I make T eat the veggies off my plate.
G eats some yogurt. Sort of.
8:00 p.m. - I sit down to put the finishing touches on my blog post, but for some reason I just can't hit the "Publish" button. T informs me G has a poopy diaper and needs changed, so I get up and realize it's a complete blow out. Aaannnddd she's been crawling all over every pillow in the house. I hope and pray she hasn't managed to smear it everywhere.
After changing her and putting her in pajamas, I check out the pillows. They all look and smell okay. Bullet dodged.
I extricate a ginormous booger from G's nose and give K his binky.
8:24 p.m. - I get T's jammies on, making a decision to let them stay up a little late since they napped long ... and because it's Grover's night to do bedtime and he's asleep on the couch.
8:38 p.m. - I send the kids to say good night to Mimi and Pop Pop. Grover doesn't wake up when G yells, "NIGHT NIGHT!" directly into his ear, so I decide to put them to bed myself. I read them a few stories while they chill in their room. K's awake, so he comes, too.
8:55 p.m. - The kids are in bed. I sit down at the computer to finally complete the blog post that never ends. I nurse K again. Over the top of my computer screen, I see my now warm and flat beer sitting on the table. Oh well.
9:40 p.m. - K is done cluster feeding and is asleep. I hit publish, then reread the post about 15 times checking for mistakes.
9:44 p.m. - K starts fussing.
9:45 p.m. - I rock K and get sucked into the black vortex that is social media.
10:42 p.m. - I check my blog stats to see who's read the new post. 24 whole hits. Whomp whomp. I shut my computer down and marvel at my children's amazing ability to make messes.
11:21 p.m. - The dishes and kitchen are done. I throw a load of laundry in and commence house clean up.
11:45 p.m. - The house is picked up. I sit down at my desk and see the pumping stuff. Whoops. Oh well. I complete my food and exercise diary on MFP and read through my blog post again.
12:06 a.m. - I wash my face and brush my teeth, then fall into bed exhausted. I think the word "sleep" and K wakes up to nurse. I fall asleep sitting up again.
And I bet I'm snoring.
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