Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Word Vomit

There are things I do well (uhhh ... pie crust! I can make pie crust!).

And there are things I totally and completely bomb.

Like any sort of sport. And chopping wood. And cake decorating.

And "chatting".

Chatting = pure torture. I would rather be hit in the face with a sledgehammer. It's not that I don't like people. I am just awful at making conversation.

Behold, the seventh circle of hell.
Why? Because my default method of communication is word vomit. Whatever I'm thinking comes straight out my mouth, usually garbled. This means:

1) I tend to over share. A LOT. For example, every time I've been conversing with someone the past few months, all I can think is, "Gah, SHUT UP. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE HORRORS OF POTTY TRAINING." But I can't seem to stop it.

A thousand pardons.

2) I misunderstand/get misinterpreted/respond to people who aren't actually speaking to me.

This is the worst because it leads to what is known as "the blank stare". Somebody says something, you answer, and suddenly the entire room has gone quiet and everyone is giving you the Kristen Stewart.

Congratulations! You just read the social undercurrents of the situation completely wrong.

Proper responses include blushing, crying, dropping your drink, running to the bathroom, or yelling, 'THIS IS SPARTA!"

I'm not really sure which of those is socially acceptable. I've tried them all with varying results.

3) The conversation is full of long, awkward pauses.

"Hi, nice to meet you!"

"You, too!"


Like that.

4) I get jittery, sweaty and nauseous.

Few things can make me break into a cold sweat faster than the idea of an unexpected chat.

Like when I'm climbing shelves to reach the last pack of toilet paper at the grocery store ...

Don't mind me. I'll be down in a sec.
Every. Time.

5) I occasionally spit water all over people.

I tend to laugh hysterically at nothing when I'm trying to be social. When my mouth is full of liquid, the combination is ... explosive.

At least I'm memorable.
I should probably come with a warning label or something.

Do these things happen to you, too? We should totally get together for milkshakes (less spew-able), awkward pauses and SPARTA yelling sometime ...



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