Sunday, March 3, 2013

Help Wanted


Hourly wages - $0.00

Hours - 24/7

Retirement - none

Vacation - none

Sick leave - none

Maternity leave - none. duh.

Duties include:

  • cooking
  • cleaning
  • feeding
  • dressing
  • bathing
  • bedtime
  • diaper changes
  • keeping an eye out for any and all hazardous objects, including but not limited to choking hazards, sharp objects, and poisonous substances
  • teaching
  • chauffeuring
  • refereeing
  • cheerleading
  • praying fervently and often
  • finding things
  • fixing things
  • doctoring
  • loving
  • cuddling
  • disciplining
  • pretty much anything else you can think of
> Duties will change from day to day, month to month, and year to year without warning.

> There is no instruction manual.

> Nine months training required (special circumstances will be taken into consideration)

> Excruciating pain and permanent body modifications will occur in most instances.

> Peers will constantly judge your performance based on an obscure and abstract set of rules.

> "EVERY POSSIBLE TERRIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IN THIS SITUATION" software (abbreviated EvPoTeSi) will be implanted in your brain via microchip. EvPoTeSi is not yet refined and will sometimes cause excessive overreaction to relatively harmless things (i.e. your child eating a caterpillar). These glitches tend to work themselves out over time and decrease in proportion to the number of offspring you produce.

> Must be able to lift upwards of 50 pounds (this includes child, diaper bag and car seat, but not stroller or other necessary accoutrement's) at least 15 times per day. This amount doubles with each charge in your care.

> Must be able to function on less than 3 hours of consecutive sleep.

> Must be able to go without food for long stretches without turning into a terrifying monster.

> Must be able to handle all bodily fluids, including but not limited to blood, snot, spit, puke, poop, pee, et cetera.

> Must have the magical power to "kiss it better".

> Must be willing to read one book over and over and over and over ... and over. And over.

> Must pass the "Step On It Without Yelling Every Curse Word in the Book" Test. There are four phases - Hot Wheels, wooden blocks, the tiny metal spaghetti strainer from the play kitchen, and Legos.


Some days, it will be the worst thing you've ever done.

But it will also be the best :-)

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