10 Reasons Not to Watch Titanic

Hi peeps,

this scene ... aka THE ONLY GOOD PART OF THE MOVIE

I foolishly, foolishly decided to watch Titanic for the first time the other night. My thought process was, "Maybe if I watch this terrible awful movie I'll be all like, 'Oh, wow. I'm so glad I'm alive to watch this terrible awful movie!' "

It didn't work. I am now emotionally scarred for life and feel the need to warn others of impending emotional icebergs of doom.

Now, I realize some people like TERRIBLE AWFUL MOVIES, but I am not one of them. I already feel blubbery and emotionally unbalanced most of the time. But if you like it, good for you. To each their own, right?

For the rest of us, here's 10 reasons to leave Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean:

1. Dolphins. Really? What about narwhals? Why do we always forget about the narwhals?

2. Despite the fact you know what's coming, you can't help but hope a woman says, "What do you mean, you cut the number of life boats in half, you dumb ants!?! Put them back RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR ... " *slap* " ... yes, dear."

I guess that would be a pretty lame non-Oscar-winning multi-million dollar blockbuster, though.

3. The not-so-epic screenplay of  "Jack! Rose! Jack! Rose! JACCCCK!".

You know how many times you can scream that before it starts to get old?

Five.

4. Disney cruises no longer seem like relaxing family vacation options.

Can you say, "GIANT DEATH TRAP"?

5. The diamond necklace looks like something from the quarter machine at Pizza Hut.

6. All the rascals get on the lifeboats. I know it's some kind of message about poetic justice, it's worse to live with the guilt than die with everyone else, death would be too easy for them, blah blah blah. But the movie would be sufficiently awful without all the bad guys getting away. Really.

7. There are ridiculous numbers of shots of people hitting random objects as the boat goes down. Propeller, table, large round brass thing conveniently placed in the center of the deck, deck chair, other doomed passenger, railing, that weird round brass thing again.

Actually, there are just ridiculous numbers of shots of people dying. Period.

8. Jack dies. Despite the fact I find him semi-vapid and rather one-dimensional and much, much too nice, it's still pretty sad to watch Rose wrench her partially frozen hand out of his really, really frozen one. Especially since Mythbusters proved HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN ON THE DARN PIECE OF WOOD AND SURVIVED.

Oh yeah, it's fictional. *shakes head violently*

9. James Cameron has an irresistible desire to turn his characters blue. WHY?

The key to cinematic success?

Blue.

And now, of course, they've remade it in 3D. Beside the fact "3D" is now a ridiculously cliche way to say, "GIVE ME MORE MONEY!!!", if I want to see 3D nipples, I'll just look down.

Oh wait. I can no longer see those.

10. Boob envy.

It's a thing.