Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Napoleon Emimurkel Goes to the Mall

I spent most of my childhood in a very, very, very small town. No McDonalds, no Starbucks, no Wal-Mart, no stop lights, and no mall.  It's probably the reason I think revolving doors and escalators are DA BOMB.

Now we live in a place with a bona fide (although by many standards, dismal) mall. I missed the whole teenager-hanging-out-at-the-mall experience, so I'm kind of strangely obsessed with the idea. I've been thinking of things to do at the mall besides spend money.

Which I can't do seeing as I have no dough.

Phyllo dough or the other kind of dough dough.

Anyway, there's no escalators or revolving doors to entertain my hillbilly brain, so I thought of a few other activities. You probably won't get arrested for doing these things, but there's no guarantee. So no civil suits, okay?

Be forewarned, this is delinquency with a healthy dose of pure nerd. It's like Eminem mixed with Napoleon Dynamite and Urkel ... Napoleon Emimurkel!

There's a white boy 'fro under that 50 Cent cap.
I'm sure of it.
1. Use your knowledge of physics to knock over a gigantic ficus tree with a bouncy ball.
2. Write on something with a washable marker. Anything will work, but you get bonus points for dumb ass spelling mistakes (like P-E-N-A-S ... actually saw this the other day in a bathroom stall. Oh humanity, I weep for you.)
3. Super glue a quarter to the floor. See how many people stop to pick it up. Record your observations. Make a bar, graph or pie chart with the data.
4. Glue a googly eye to your forehead. Proceed as usual.
5. Buy a can of spray paint. Carry it around in a fanny pack.
6. Locate a "gansta". Pull your pants down to your knees. Follow him around making penguin noises. Don't get shot.
Incidentally, what noises do penguins make?
7. Google "penguin noises" while simultaneously executing the kung fu moves you learned to keep people from stealing your lunch money.
8. Tell random strangers, "I'm sexy and I know it." Bonus points for wearing a sequined rainbow zebra print Speedo OVER high-waisted polyester pants.
9. Get a Slushie. Put it in a brown paper bag. Be your normal clumsy self.
10. Pay someone in pennies.

There. A complete guide to Napoleon Emimurkel-ness whilst trolling a dismal mall without escalators or revolving doors.

This is extremely valuable information, peeps. Don't let it fall into the wrong hands.

May the force be with you.

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