Monday, August 27, 2012

Nancy Drew and the Sign of the Used Pine Candle

While I'm recuperating from childbirth and dealing with super fun things like engorgement, hot flashes, random crying jags and a clingy toddler who has decided waking up at 5 a.m. is AWE to the SOME, allow me to regale you with a tale of epic social failure ...

Also, this baby is ADORBS.

I must have been off in a corner trying to figure out how to lick my elbow when God was handing out social graces. There's no sugar-coating it - I am just plain awkward in most social situations. People will ask completely normal questions like, "What's your name?" and random drivel will fall out of my mouth.

"I'm Waitlin Calker and I like troll dolls."

Which I don't. They're creepy and weird and ... nude. Why exactly do they have to be nude?

the only thing that rocks is their hair
Anyhoo, I apologize in advance if someday you meet me in person. I will probably clam up or totally over share and you will want to flee before I start laughing manically.

I'm good at laughing manically.

When you are afflicted with social awkwardness (or shyness or clumsiness or whatever you want to call it), it makes you especially thankful for the friends you have. So, if you are my friend, thank you. You are awesome.
I might as well give up and be like this guy.
Adieu, eyebrow tweezers.
And haircuts.
And clothing.
And the last tattered shreds
of my dignity.

Now, back to the saga.

Two lovely friends threw me a truly lovely baby shower two weeks ago. Everything was perfect. The food was amazing, the decor was beautiful, the people were friendly, and I only had to pee three times in three hours. That was a miracle in itself.

I even managed not to scare anyone away with weird random comments ... I think. I was doing pretty well and thinking maybe, just maybe, the stars had aligned enough for me not to make a horrific social blunder (like catching my backpack strap on a door knob and mashing my face into a wall while also twisting both ankles ... being me takes talent, I tell you).

I should have known.

I decided to give each of my hostesses a candle from my aunt's candle shop. They had been sitting on a shelf waiting for the opportune moment, and I figured it was a much better gift than, say, a white rabbit. Or Scotch tape. Or something else.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure why or who or what, but someone else in the house apparently had a hankering for Christmas pine (in JULY), because when those two lovely people opened the candles to savor the piney goodness, they discovered something.

The candles had been used.

I would have been mortified, but luckily these two people have known me since childhood and therefore know all about my lack of social skills and ability to screw up simple things.

Soooo, allow me to profusely and publicly apologize. Thank you for loving me despite my social face-planting failures.

I love you guys :-)

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