Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Home Stretch

It's official, peeps. I have entered the third trimester, which is also known as the three months when it seems like you'll be pregnant until the end of time.

The third trimester is difficult because 1) you're tired of being pregnant, 2) you're huge, 3) you can't walk anywhere without feeling like a bowling ball is going to fall out of your you-know-what (this is much worse the second time around) and 4) your insides look like they went a few rounds with Sugar Ray Robinson.

I remember Googling, "how to survive the last six weeks of pregnancy" while T was baking. Nothing helpful came up, so this time I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Behold, the epic and awesome list of things to do during phase three of growing a human. Feel free to borrow my suggestions if you, too, are a walking incubator.

>Take Tums.
>Take more Tums.
>Take naps.
>Put your feet up.
>Drink lots of water.
>Steal your husband's pillows so you can sleep longer than three hours at a time. Tell him the dog ate them. Better yet, tell him the baby ate them.
>Become a nudist.
>Exercise a little each day. You're coming up on an event akin to a marathon, so be wise.
>Get some fresh air.
>Stop worrying about your weight.
>Make somebody give you a pedicure.
>Stand in front of the freezer with the door open. Ponder milkshakes.
>Eat when you're hungry. And not just popsicles and pickles.
>Try to remember all the stuff you learned in your childbirth class. Realize the only thing you can recall is your husband almost passed out and 10 centimeters looks a lot bigger than it sounds.
>Make a list of stuff you need for baby. Buy the essentials.
>DO NOT PACK YOUR HOSPITAL BAG TOO EARLY. It only makes the waiting worse.
>DO NOT PACK YOUR HOSPITAL BAG TOO LATE. Then you're rushing around to find clean underwear in between contractions. Not. fun.
>Figure out if/what you want for pain management during labor.
>Get baby's room ready.
>Go through baby clothes and sort by size and season. Box up the stuff you won't need until later.
>Spend quality time with your spouse.
>Spend quality time with your other children.
>Buy yourself something nice.
>Assess your mommy wardrobe. Make sure you've got nursing camis, bras and lots and lots of stretchy pants.
>Get some dry shampoo and deodorant so you don't look like Edward Scissorhands when unexpected well-wishers arrive. Or, don't answer the door.

Or, answer the door as is and watch them run screaming for the hills.

I like option three.
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