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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Other Uses for the Push-Up Bra

You'll poke your eye out, kid!
This, my friends, is a post about boobs.

Something happens to our bumps, humps and lady lumps after childbirth. First of all, you become a milk-making machine. Hooray for the ability to sustain life with seemingly useless bags of fat! Women are AWESOME.

Something else happens, too. I call it the Balloon Effect. Now, I started out as a B cup, so I didn't have much to work with in the first place. And this may not happen to everyone. But this is what happened to me:

I went up a cup size.

Then I went down two cup sizes.

Then I went up three cups sizes.

And then I went back to a C cup.

This happened in ONE day. And it still happens ALL THE TIME. Sometimes your boobs feel like boulders and sometimes they feel like deflated balloons. One is almost always fuller than the other.

But they are pretty much always 4 inches below where they once were ...

When people buy you push-up bras for Christmas, you know it's bad.

I got a really, really nice bra this year. It is pretty and lacy and has glittery things on it. And it is about 90 percent padding.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy not having my nipples point in random (sometimes opposite) directions. But since this bra was relatively expensive ($67 to be exact), I figured it should have more uses than a saggy boob shelf.

Behold, a list of other uses for the push-up bra:

> Bumper Pads
SCENARIO: 
You are out on the town as Super Mommy and you get shoved into a brick wall by an evil nemesis.

NEVER FEAR, PUSH-UP BRA IS HERE!

The recoil from your bra's padding makes you bounce back 15 feet at maximum velocity, knocking over your enemy.

You yell, "ka-CHOW!"

Good prevails and the world is saved.

> Distraction
This one is pretty much self-explanatory. If you have ever put on a push-up bra and had someone look at you like you grew antennae, you know what I'm talking about.

If you want, add some blinking LED lights.

Also, buy a t-shirt that says, "If you are reading this, you're an ARSEHOLE" across the chest. Videotape the reactions you get. Put them on YouTube. Become an overnight sensation.

> Bulletproof Vest

The push-up bra is muy bueno for protecting vital organs. Its ridiculous amount of padding ensures you will live to see another day ... unless they shoot you in the head.

> Weapon of Mass Destruction
I haven't tried this (yet), but I'm pretty sure push-up bras would make amazing slingshots.

> Snack Pack
When cleavage magically appears, so do bits and pieces from all the things you ate that day. A few pieces of peppermint candy, a brownie crumb, a bit of turkey.

If you get hungry, all you have to do is grab something from the great cleavage chasm and you're back in action.

> Self-Confidence Booster
Because, you know, your entire self-worth should depend on the size and shape of your hooters.

Which is decided by genetics.

WHICH YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.

That's logical.

> Skankifier

I am not a skanky person (umm, hopefully). And push-up bras used correctly are wonderful things. But push -up bras plus shirts designed to hold B cups cause major issues. Believe me, I know.

Push-up bra: $67
Too small shirt: $6
Automatic Skankification: PRICELESS

I really do enjoy having boobs that don't look like empty tube socks.
But I'm afraid if I start wearing this bra more often, people are going to notice the dramatic size change. And I refuse to buy another $67 bra.

Even though it can be used to survive a zombie apocalypse.

I will just blame it all on nursing.

Done and done.


While we're on the topic of boobs, if/when you nursed your baby, did you just whip it out in public or did you cover up? Did you ever receive snide comments? What did you say in return?
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1 comment:

  1. I like barely there push up bra. When I order it, I thought it was the type to increase cup by two. It increase the bust size just nicely.

    ReplyDelete

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