|You'll poke your eye out, kid!|
Something happens to our bumps, humps and lady lumps after childbirth. First of all, you become a milk-making machine. Hooray for the ability to sustain life with seemingly useless bags of fat! Women are AWESOME.
Something else happens, too. I call it the Balloon Effect. Now, I started out as a B cup, so I didn't have much to work with in the first place. And this may not happen to everyone. But this is what happened to me:
I went up a cup size.
Then I went down two cup sizes.
Then I went up three cups sizes.
And then I went back to a C cup.
But they are pretty much always 4 inches below where they once were ...
When people buy you push-up bras for Christmas, you know it's bad.
I got a really, really nice bra this year. It is pretty and lacy and has glittery things on it. And it is about 90 percent padding.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy not having my nipples point in random (sometimes opposite) directions. But since this bra was relatively expensive ($67 to be exact), I figured it should have more uses than a saggy boob shelf.
Behold, a list of other uses for the push-up bra:
> Bumper Pads
SCENARIO:You are out on the town as Super Mommy and you get shoved into a brick wall by an evil nemesis.
NEVER FEAR, PUSH-UP BRA IS HERE!
The recoil from your bra's padding makes you bounce back 15 feet at maximum velocity, knocking over your enemy.
You yell, "ka-CHOW!"
Good prevails and the world is saved.
This one is pretty much self-explanatory. If you have ever put on a push-up bra and had someone look at you like you grew antennae, you know what I'm talking about.
If you want, add some blinking LED lights.
Also, buy a t-shirt that says, "If you are reading this, you're an ARSEHOLE" across the chest. Videotape the reactions you get. Put them on YouTube. Become an overnight sensation.
> Bulletproof Vest
The push-up bra is muy bueno for protecting vital organs. Its ridiculous amount of padding ensures you will live to see another day ... unless they shoot you in the head.
> Weapon of Mass Destruction
I haven't tried this (yet), but I'm pretty sure push-up bras would make amazing slingshots.
> Snack Pack
When cleavage magically appears, so do bits and pieces from all the things you ate that day. A few pieces of peppermint candy, a brownie crumb, a bit of turkey.
If you get hungry, all you have to do is grab something from the great cleavage chasm and you're back in action.
> Self-Confidence Booster
Because, you know, your entire self-worth should depend on the size and shape of your hooters.
Which is decided by genetics.
WHICH YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.
I am not a skanky person (umm, hopefully). And push-up bras used correctly are wonderful things. But push -up bras plus shirts designed to hold B cups cause major issues. Believe me, I know.
Push-up bra: $67
Too small shirt: $6
Automatic Skankification: PRICELESS
I really do enjoy having boobs that don't look like empty tube socks.
But I'm afraid if I start wearing this bra more often, people are going to notice the dramatic size change. And I refuse to buy another $67 bra.
Even though it can be used to survive a zombie apocalypse.
I will just blame it all on nursing.
Done and done.
While we're on the topic of boobs, if/when you nursed your baby, did you just whip it out in public or did you cover up? Did you ever receive snide comments? What did you say in return?